Historically, I have needed to become unshakable in private before I was willing to be witnessed in public because I am not scared of criticism once I know I’m good and once I am satisfied with the result. What destabilizes me is someone calling me out when I know I’m just trying.
The problem with protecting myself from being judged while I’m was mediocre or even less than, is that I also protected myself from being seen becoming exceptional.And I think people are most attracted to the “becoming” part. I am. The cost of this is audience growth, momentum, opportunities, connection, and maybe even money.
I watched people with less talent and less skill and less experience than me build things they were proud of in public because they were willing to say, come watch me figure this out. They were willing to be on cringe Mountain. While I was hiding behind my own cringe and overwhelmed mountain that I refused to climb.
My journey to becoming a photographer was like that. I didn’t want to tell or announce to the world I was a photographer, until I felt 1,000% confident in my capabilities. I did this by not claiming it. I would say, “I can take pictures”, instead of I’m a photographer. On purpose, as a way to hide.
I watched other people do it so well in amazement. I’d see them request a roll call announcing free shoots. Then maybe they’d charge $100. Then a little more. And eventually they became good, even exceptional, in public. I was never willing to do that. I wanted to become an actual professional first. It felt safer.
I don’t stand up well to someone looking at me and saying, “You can’t do that,” unless I already know for sure that I can. If someone tells me, “You can’t do that,” and my response is, I don’t care that you think that because I know I can do that, I’m fine. But if my response is, You’re right. I don’t know if I can do that. I’m just trying, I feel so shaken.
I hate failing publicly because I hate failing privately. It’s my own judgment I’m afraid of hearing out loud. I judge myself so harshly that I can’t stomach hearing someone else make the same judgment I have already made. Their judgment isn’t surprising to me, because more than likely, I have already made it, wrote it in my journal and tried to talk myself away from it.
In fact, when people don’t judge me, I’m shocked. Like, whoa. I judged myself so hard there.
When I imagine somebody watching me make bad work, I’m embarrassed that they might think that is all I’m capable of. Because I know I’m capable of more than the bad work, even when I don’t have the skills to make it better on the front end. I know I’m capable of acquiring the skills to make it better on the back end. But I don’t want someone to see me in the gap.
I spent my teenage years and early 20’s asking myself Who do you think you are? whenever I was grappling with the idea of “more”. I know where that came from but this essay isn’t really about where the voice came from.
It’s about how long I kept using it on myself.
I think I finally felt allowed to claim photography when I got external validation from other successful photographers. I’m cringing so hard even writing that. My husband needs approximately zero external validation, and I want to be him so hard. But that’s the truth.
It was when photographers I respected followed me, complimented my work, hired me, referred me and collaborated with me. Before they noticed me, I didn’t even want to say, “Look, I’m in the room.” I was scared they would think: She thinks she belongs here, but she sucks. I don’t think most people actually think like that. I think most people are kinder than that. I think most people look at someone working really hard at belonging somewhere and think, Oh, she’s working really hard to get there. A lot of people actually want to help you get where you’re trying to go.
And if somebody really is sitting there judging you for trying to get somewhere, they don’t deserve the time of day anyway. Surround yourself with kind people. I didn’t know that then but I am learning it now…I haven’t trust it in the past, but I hope this last decade has taught me to and prepared me for the next decade trusting a little more.
Which brings me to my album, Ephemera.
Music has been a deep-rooted passion of mine since I was a child. It was something I wanted to pursue further and then buried. And then eventually, I realized that we live in a world where it doesn’t matter. You can literally make this stuff yourself. It doesn’t have to become big or famous. You don’t need somebody to come discover you and give you permission. You can literally just do it because you want to do it.
I am not a sound engineer. I have no freaking idea how I’m going to do every part of this and who knew that recording, producing, mixing and mastering were all different skills to learn. It is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.
I went to my boutique hotel in Montana hoping I would get the respite there to get some real headway with the project, but the business needed me more, as I’ve been away for two years focusing on my new babies. I do hope to go back in a quieter season to do some deep work there, but not this time.
I did accomplish one BIG thing when I was there.
I announced this album in public, which is very uncharacteristic of me to announce an unfinished project. But I had filmed this video of me and the babies playing on their grandpa’s piano, the morning was quiet, the light coming through the window where the piano sits is always pretty in the morning and it just felt time. It felt right. To tell my friends that I was going to do it. Even if I fail as a sound engineer. Even if it takes longer than I want it to take. I’m going to share the journey. For the first time in my life, announcing something before I knew exactly how to do it gave me peace. It felt like I was stepping into myself. I wanted people to know that this is what I am spending my time on instead of giving a vague answer. Because this is what I care about and it’s something that I am becoming.
Every project I do starts with desire —> work in progress —> and then figuring out how to finish it with trial and error. That is literally my method. I almost never start because I know how to do the entire thing. I start because I know what I want. Then I learn, screw things up, research some more and try something else. Eventually, I figure out how to make the thing in my head exist in real life.
I have enormous confidence in my ability to figure things out. What I haven’t always had is confidence in my right to claim the thing while I’m still figuring it out.
Because while I was waiting to become impressive enough to deserve an audience, other people were building audiences by letting people watch them become impressive. They were climbing cringe Mountain in public. And I was sitting at the bottom, fully capable of climbing it, waiting until I could somehow appear at the top. I don’t think I need to start broadcasting every fragile little dream I have to the internet. Some things probably do need time in the dark. But I also don’t want to keep confusing being a beginner with being an imposter.
Any other major imposter syndromers here? Say hiiiiiii.
A beginner and an imposter aren’t the same thing.
I don’t need to already be at the end to tell you where I’m going.
Maybe sometimes saying who you’re becoming is part of how you become her.
Xoxox
Lauren
Next Week: 26 Weeks to 30 – Week 5
Maybe I’m Not All Over the Place